Film Bites: Christmas at Cartwright’s

Posted by : | December 26, 2014

Like a royal taster forced to chow your meal before you do in case it’s poisoned, Porcupine and Sundae bravely ingest five minutes of holiday films each Friday during #PSHolidays for your viewing health. Should we adore them, we bid you bon appetit. But if they suck, we happily choke on their hideous treason so you don’t have to. Long live your royalness! #filmbites

On the Menu Tonight: Christmas at Cartwright’s

Minutes Ingested: 45 – 50

Chew on This: Christmas at Cartwright’s ’twas the most enticing of Hallmark Channel’s twelve original holiday movie plots, which I couldn’t resist spoofing here. Featuring icon Wallace Shawn and the promise of a female in-store Santa Claus, this movie had to be mine at minute forty-five. Let’s dive right in! We meet lady Santa Claus trimming her tree with her daughter and BFF. The actress has a face and neck that do many things. The neck swivels, the eyes bug out and the lips flail. She can’t quite seem to control all the pieces, bless her. But these maniacal features are soon obscured by, you guessed it, a white beard and red hat!

Before her shift, she obviously must eat at the department store’s employees cafeteria that probably wouldn’t exist in real life and looks like a hospital anyways, and who sits down near her? The love interest. Whom she’d told her BFF, in a forced convo over coffee mugs, has a girlfriend. The handsome guy runs the men’s section and has chosen to wear a suit with his nametag that makes him look like a pilot. She’s dressed as Santa.

It's our secret winky face!!

It’s our secret winky face!!

When he starts chatting her up, her voice goes all deep and manly. OMG NO ONE KNOWS SHE’S A LADY?!? Classic!! The pilot confides in lady man Santa that he’s single for the holidays. So denying his girlfriend? Niiiiiice. The pilot manager goes on to gush that he’s got a crush on a single mom. Santa man lady’s eyes bug out behind her Santa glasses.

Cut to lady man Santa paying her rent and getting her daughter a spelling computer game. Apparently her daughter ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed. Cut to a classroom where the daughter is suddenly doing better. Money from the Santa gig solves all problems! Question: Can’t you learn to spell lots of ways without a spelling computer game? I lurned two spel beefour their wurr kumpyooterz.

Sadly, my man Wallace Shawn was only glimpsed once, and I never heard the brilliant way his voice speaks. I believe from the blurb that he’s some sort of guardian angel. Will he bring the pilot manager and the lady man Santa together? Will he make the daughter a Spelling Bee champ? Is he punishing the totes jerk boyfriend by saddling him with a challenged child and a woman whose face parts mutiny? Will pilot manager ever learn to fly? Oh #FilmBites you cruel, cruel five minute mistress! How will I ever find out?


Symptoms: Slight concern as I’m not sure what I just ingested. It tasted like chicken, but so does everything else. Since the chef is Hallmark, I wasn’t really expecting much more than chicken. But hey, I I feel okay.

Verdict: What did I order? Let me read the menu again. Thank goodness a computer taught me my ABCs!

Still hungry? Check out more #FilmBites!

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  1. Lisa
    Posted December 27, 2014 at 11:46 am | Permalink

    You know it Porcupine! I just can’t resist the life lessons these movies instill in all of mankind:
    1) Only men can get decent paying work
    2) A man who is going through a bit of a tough period in his relationship is fair game. Every bitch for herself!!
    3) And my favorite: A woman who is clever enough to convince hundreds of people that she is a man does not have the intellectual capacity to help her daughter learn primary school spelling.

    #winner #grateful #gratefulforcrapmovies (Those are joke twitter things. Steph can explain :))

    • Stephanie
      Posted December 28, 2014 at 4:42 pm | Permalink

      hahaha omg best line ever — woman clever enough to play a man santa can’t teach her kid to read! dying lol lol

  2. Lisa
    Posted December 26, 2014 at 9:24 am | Permalink

    What a weird channel and strange movies! Who’s their demographic besides Sundaes doing homework?

    • Patrick
      Posted December 26, 2014 at 11:09 am | Permalink

      C’mon Lisa, you don’t have to pretend anymore. We know you set your DVR solely to the Hallmark channel…

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