Interstellar Killed Movies 4 Me

Posted by : | November 17, 2014

No more. I’m not going to see new Hollywood movies anymore. Stick a fork in me; I’m done. Unless they’re animated or late-night reruns of proven cult classics, you will not see me in a movie theater again.

Interstellar killed movies for me.

It’s not the movie, it’s me. Damn my optimism and damn my gullibility. Previews for Interstellar are like online dating profiles. They only share their best. I truly believed this would be a fun, possibly even inspiring or thought-provoking science fiction romp through space and time. I thought the acting would be good. I expected the story to have merit. I assumed the science would be sound, or if it’s fantastical, at least well-grounded in the script.

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I was sweaty the whole movie!

Artist Dan Bransfield and I sat as prisoners to this terrible movie for over two hours. We became more angry and agitated by the minute. We both thought about walking out but thought each other wanted to stay. We now have a hand signal in case of bad movie emergency.

Problem One: Interstellar is mostly Earth-bound. 80% of the time you’re watching cornfields. About forty minutes in, a character asks what’s missing or something. Dan said, out loud, “Interstellar!”

Problem Two: The fucking actors. Matthew McConaughey was fine. I’m going to say something I’ve never said before and will probably never say again: I hated Anne. Anne was simpering. Anne was smug. Anne mooned her lovely doe eyes at the camera. Matt Damon was an utter unwelcomed distraction. His sudden presence took both Dan and me out of the movie entirely wondering holy fuck is that Matt Damon? And where there’s a Damon there’s an Affleck. Enter Casey. Wasted greats = Michael Caine and John Lithgow.

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Sorry I almost got us killed, again… woopsie

Problem Three: The story. No idea why Jessica Chastain’s character is so daddy issues the whole time. Obvi Earth dying. He leaves you to go up in space. Doy he’s trying to save humanity. No idea why Casey Affleck is an ill-tempered Farmer Fred. Confusions = Michael Caine’s gravity equation that no one can solve that’s on the chalkboard that he really solved long ago whose solution = the big room thingy can go into space with humans in it? Also Dan observed that mostly actors were talking about other away people we’ve never met. And after hinting that the weirdo American Marine robots have a HAL 9000 kinda thing going on, how come they didn’t go haywire? Or one did? And how’d Anne like totes survive but the guy way ahead of her gets killed by a sudden rogue wave RIGHT AT THE DOOR of the spaceship? And as pointed out on #InterstellarPlotHoles, how come the spaceship needed extra booster rocket to leave Earth but on a planet with more gravity it just lifted up on its own? Finally, the lack of cast diversity seemed to imply that mostly white people from the USA corn belt got saved. Oh hell naw.

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You can walk on water but you can’t see a rogue wave coming… Sure. Sure.

PS There’s no fucking way Matthew gets physically bested in fisticuffs by a fat man who just woke up from cryo-freeze. So who sent the wormhole? The “ghost” can’t make up its mind regarding communication: it’s Morse code it’s binary it’s coordinates no it’s letters. PPS The world’s worst astronauts are charged with humanity’s survival. And to pivot after each dumb fuck up, one of them spouts tons of pseudo-science so that another one can say, dramatically, “That just might work!” For two hours. No joke.

My kids grew up while I was in space and they suck now!

My kids grew up while I was in space and they suck now!

Problem Four: The science. Take it away my dearest Neil deGrasse Tyson! Had I been a crew member up in space on Earth’s last spaceship, I would have been extremely alarmed when the physicist had to explain basic theories of relativity to the scientists up in space with me, stabbing a pencil through a piece of paper to illustrate. For realz. Finally, Anne’s silly soliloquy declaring that love is the only dimension we can trust. ‘Nuf said.

Science, bitches

It’s science, bitches. I said the words singularity AND relativity!

Nice Things to Say: The story had a few nice elements: I loved the conundrum of deciding among 3 planets and only having enough fuel left to explore 2. I was excited about the possibilities of the worm hole and the black hole. I thought what was found in the black hole was interesting. Matthew had good reactions to it all. Dan appreciated and immediately identified the original Ken Burns Dust Bowl interviews woven into the story. I enjoyed the time distortions and how as the astronauts zipped around they all aged differently both among themselves and in relation to Earth peoples. Finally, I liked how Michael Caine lost a daughter and Jessica Chastain lost a father to space, so they sweetly surrogated each other.

Problem Five: The hype. Oh they never used a green screen. Oh they built realistic sets so the actors would experience zero gravity. It was supposed to be this big great movie (Porcupine opines on big important movies here). Well it wasn’t. Not by a long shot. Are these things screened before they’re released? Are there focus groups? Did multiple people read the script? Did anyone’s buddy watch any of the scenes and give an opinion? How does such an unripe, unready movie with lacking acting and holes in the storyline get made?

And how did I, a regular consumer of Hollywood’s shtick, get super duper duped AGAIN? I’m done, people. First Noah, then John Wick, now this. Sundae out.

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  1. Posted November 17, 2014 at 3:54 pm | Permalink

    […] the Idea? I can hear Stephanie asking that question even now after her ill-fated Interstellar viewing that may have resulted in her abandonment of cinema as a medium altogether. Apparently the whole […]

  2. Stephanie
    Posted November 17, 2014 at 11:08 am | Permalink

    PS gawd bless Twitter — enjoy the catharsis of you not being the only human who wasn’t fooled by Interstellar with the greatest hashtag ever: #InterstellarPlotHoles with such gems as ” They didn’t kill the black astronaut first! #progress?”

  3. Stephanie
    Posted November 17, 2014 at 10:58 am | Permalink

    Yeah Lisa and I nailed it with Big Hero 6! That was everything Interstellar wasn’t… namely good! 🙂 I want to see Into the Woods and Hunger Games. U not worry, Porcupine — we got Katniss covered 🙂 But Lisa said that Gone Girl was amazing just like you said — sorry to have missed…

  4. Lisa
    Posted November 17, 2014 at 10:40 am | Permalink

    So happy I missed that one!! Good Holiday movies/Oscar bait are slim pickings.

    Will you see Hunger Games and Into the Woods? Those seem to fit your criteria.

    I’m also interested in The Imitation Game and Selma if reviews are good.

    • Patrick
      Posted November 17, 2014 at 10:49 am | Permalink

      Lisa, I refer you to my end of the season list. I was disappointed as well with this year’s crop. Anyway, you can count me out for Hunger Games, but Imitation is a possibility.

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