Love Machine

Posted by : | September 2, 2014

tin man heart

In my experience, online dating might be bad, but writing about online dating comes close. This is mostly because I’m having a hard time coming up with anything interesting to say. It’s not like I’m not trying, but all my efforts seem to produce is…bland. Like its inspiration, this article seemed like a good idea at the time, but one I’m regretting right now. So what’s my computer love experience? Well, I’ve never had any dates from hell, but no fireworks either.  Just a lot of handshakes, fake hugs and drink bills. A few I saw again, most I didn’t. I could’ve gotten those results without having to list the Top 3 Things Others Like About Me or what Current Books I’m Reading.

zelda heart

It depends on what’s in that bottle.

Yeah, yeah, I know, there’s always somebody who knows somebody who met their husband or wife on one of these sites, but so what? Fine, sure, these things can work. But lots of stuff can work. Pickup lines, bar bets, work parties, Indian parents, blind luck, etc. I know two guys who travelled thousands of miles overseas and both met their eventual wives at the exact same time while bar hopping together on Polk St. in San Francisco. Maybe I should try that, huh?

Of course, none of the above tactics use algorithms, and how could courtship possibly take place without science? Besides, we all know how romantic math can be. Hell, it’s the universal language, so the odds of a perfect match just got better with all those unattached aliens in the mix. But love has always seemed more Star Wars than Star Trek to me, and I shudder at the mechanical nature of these sites. In fact, maybe I should just write the rest of this in rows of 1s and 0s, expressing my totally reasonable disdain for anything so cold and calculating that isn’t my own Machiavellian scheme. Let me try to explain this another way…

How about shopping? Do you like shopping? I hate it, but maybe you don’t, and online dating is perfect for you. Page after page of perfect matches, a veritable catalogue containing thousands of soul mates is at your disposal. Who knew I had so many options? But that’s just the problem, see? Usually when I’m at a store I grab whatever I need within 5-10 minutes, like a new shirt or breakfast cereal (Honey Bunches of Oats), so I can stop the torture as soon as possible. But when it’s something I like, well, let’s just say I had to stop walking into golf shops for a reason.  With so many shiny distractions, how can I be expected to make a responsible decision? All that leads to is three sets of golf clubs owned and zero rounds of golf played in the last five years. My point is, there’s always someone potentially better out there, and with that carrot constantly dangling satisfaction never seems to come. Maybe a bird in the hand really is worth two in the bush.


Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do…

Anyway, I’m much better suited to a bar, where I know there’s only a couple of women who would even consider going out with me. Those kinds of boundaries can be a good thing. After all, as romance expert Clint Eastwood said, a man’s got to know his limitations, and I’ve reached mine. My three tours of digital duty have turned me philosophic, and following orders to name 5 Makes and Breaks In a Relationship just isn’t possible anymore.

Online dating has all the passionate spark of fluorescent light bulbs. Just because they run on electricity doesn’t mean they can produce it. How can a robot find you love when it doesn’t even have a heart? Bleep-bloop. Your ideal statistical mate has been calculated, human. How exciting. Of course you always could (and should) read Stephanie’s superior article about online dating to see some sparks fly. But the rest? Yeah, I hear ya. After a while they kind of just blend together. So how was this? Not great, not terrible? That seems about right.

Well, it’s about that time, I should really be going. No, no, drinks are on me. After all, this was my idea. Anyway, it was really nice meeting you, have a good night, and sure, maybe we’ll do it again sometime. I’ll call you.

System shut down.

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  1. Simon Gruber
    Posted September 3, 2014 at 11:36 am | Permalink

    I can’t believe you American morons killed my brother and I. If you want to meet women, do it the German way- drink large quantities of beer, sing songs loudly, and when you wake up from your blackout, look for your wallet.

    • Patrick
      Posted September 3, 2014 at 4:57 pm | Permalink

      I’ve tried that. It was an utter bust. I mean, other than the whole having fun of it all. Yippee kay-yay, mofo.

  2. Roy Rogers
    Posted September 3, 2014 at 11:31 am | Permalink

    Real men only need their horse and a bottle of whiskey

  3. Stephanie
    Posted September 2, 2014 at 5:04 pm | Permalink

    Oh Porcupine.. if only you’d have let me write your profile! Oh what could have been… you like rock climbing, are vegan and own a ferret, right?

    • Patrick
      Posted September 2, 2014 at 5:17 pm | Permalink

      Actually I do like rock climbing and once knew a ferret. Very close!

  4. John McClain
    Posted September 2, 2014 at 12:21 pm | Permalink

    I think your cynicism is a result of having not used that “Farmers Only” site… you should give it a shot. Love is only a cow, er, cowgirl away.

    • Patrick
      Posted September 2, 2014 at 12:28 pm | Permalink

      But city folk just don’t understand, from what I hear, Mr. McClain. Also, many farmers around here are German, probably some Grubers, so do you really think that’s a good idea?

      • John McClain
        Posted September 3, 2014 at 11:27 am | Permalink

        What do I know. I’m divorced, and my franchise has totally sold out.

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