Putting the No in Noah

Posted by : | April 9, 2014

And the Lord said, let this movie be over. And after 2+ hours it was so. And the Lord saw that it was bad.

hateddf itHave you ever walked out of a movie? I so wanted to ditch Noah. But sweet, sweet Porcupine was sitting next to me staring at the screen in angelic, wide-eyed adoration. I couldn’t leave his wittle face! So I sat there like a chump as the camera zoomed in on Russell Crowe’s stupid face twisted yet again into consternation. Just send the damn flood already!

Where were the Hollywood special effects? Where was the CGI smiting? The reasons I agreed to go to that ninny Noah were 1) Pat said he’d heard there were lots of strange supernatural effects. 2) I thought it would be a fun popcorn blockbuster.

WRONG. Not only was it no Citizen Kane, but it was booooooooooooooring. Repeat: Boooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooooooring.

Now I know that over there Mr. Pat (PAT’S REVIEW!) is going on and on about the fascinating moral and philosophical dilemmas this film captures. I say save your $13.50 and go read an Aesop freakin’ fable. There’s more fodder for existential thought in a Magic Eight Ball. Signs point to yes.

22evan600.1You know who was a more multi-faceted, intellectually stimulating Noah? Silly old Steve Carell in Evan Almighty, where he grappled with the Lord (Morgan Freeman), and agonized over his duties to community and family, in a much more compelling and nuanced way. That’s right. I said Steve Carell did that. Go figure!

And yep, I did indeed pan Russell Crowe’s movie on Russell Crowe’s birthday on Twitter. But you know what, Porcupine Sundae fans? He ruined my day too when I made the terrible mistake of spending a rainy Friday afternoon with his rotten, stinkin’ movie.twittersinda

We could delve into the ramifications of a New Testamenty vs Old Testamenty reaction to the movie, what with Pat being Catholic and me being Jewish (Happy Passover!!!). And we could take a minute to pity poor Jennifer Connelly: Every time she marries Russell Crowe, he goes nuts! And we could take several Silkwood showers after seeing the glorious Emma Watson cheapened to powerless one-dimension in her first American action movie.

rockmonsterAnd we could smugly note that if The NeverEnding Story and Noah were in a rap battle and the subject was rock monsters, The NeverEnding Story just dropped the mic on Noah‘s ass.

But unlike Russell Crowe and Paramount Pictures, I’m not gonna waste any more of your valuable time.

ZERO out of all the beasts of the ground and birds of the sky!

(Update: Porcupine can’t let it go! He’s written a whole blog lauding this deluge of disappointing filmmaking… prepare to strongly disagree!!)

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  1. Stephanie
    Posted April 19, 2014 at 5:55 pm | Permalink

    –haha thanks Erin! Best. Designer. Ever.
    –And Pat, puleeez, re: Hunger Games, first of all you had your eye candy Jennifer Lawrence to enjoy, and second of all, at least things happened what with the plot and there being a point to it all. Wait, are you saying that Noah’s based on a book, too?
    –Tim: Thank you! …and don’t waste your fabulous face on Russell’s stupid one.

  2. Erin
    Posted April 13, 2014 at 10:36 am | Permalink

    Best. Review. Ever

  3. Patrick
    Posted April 11, 2014 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

    The first and last time anyone will say Evan Almighty was intellectually stimulating. And now you know what The Hunger Games felt like for me!

  4. Timpaler
    Posted April 9, 2014 at 7:18 pm | Permalink

    This review thoroughly entertained me. Though Pat’s made me want to see it despite Russell Crowe’s stupid face

  5. Posted April 9, 2014 at 12:48 am | Permalink

    […] partner in crime may disagree ( a lot!), but Noah‘s high points soar, and they have stuck with me.  He’s a character […]

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