Posted by : Stephanie | April 9, 2014
And the Lord said, let this movie be over. And after 2+ hours it was so. And the Lord saw that it was bad.
Have you ever walked out of a movie? I so wanted to ditch Noah. But sweet, sweet Porcupine was sitting next to me staring at the screen in angelic, wide-eyed adoration. I couldn’t leave his wittle face! So I sat there like a chump as the camera zoomed in on Russell Crowe’s stupid face twisted yet again into consternation. Just send the damn flood already!
Where were the Hollywood special effects? Where was the CGI smiting? The reasons I agreed to go to that ninny Noah were 1) Pat said he’d heard there were lots of strange supernatural effects. 2) I thought it would be a fun popcorn blockbuster.
WRONG. Not only was it no Citizen Kane, but it was booooooooooooooring. Repeat: Boooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooooooring.
Now I know that over there Mr. Pat (PAT’S REVIEW!) is going on and on about the fascinating moral and philosophical dilemmas this film captures. I say save your $13.50 and go read an Aesop freakin’ fable. There’s more fodder for existential thought in a Magic Eight Ball. Signs point to yes.
You know who was a more multi-faceted, intellectually stimulating Noah? Silly old Steve Carell in Evan Almighty, where he grappled with the Lord (Morgan Freeman), and agonized over his duties to community and family, in a much more compelling and nuanced way. That’s right. I said Steve Carell did that. Go figure!
And yep, I did indeed pan Russell Crowe’s movie on Russell Crowe’s birthday on Twitter. But you know what, Porcupine Sundae fans? He ruined my day too when I made the terrible mistake of spending a rainy Friday afternoon with his rotten, stinkin’ movie.
We could delve into the ramifications of a New Testamenty vs Old Testamenty reaction to the movie, what with Pat being Catholic and me being Jewish (Happy Passover!!!). And we could take a minute to pity poor Jennifer Connelly: Every time she marries Russell Crowe, he goes nuts! And we could take several Silkwood showers after seeing the glorious Emma Watson cheapened to powerless one-dimension in her first American action movie.
And we could smugly note that if The NeverEnding Story and Noah were in a rap battle and the subject was rock monsters, The NeverEnding Story just dropped the mic on Noah‘s ass.
But unlike Russell Crowe and Paramount Pictures, I’m not gonna waste any more of your valuable time.
ZERO out of all the beasts of the ground and birds of the sky!
(Update: Porcupine can’t let it go! He’s written a whole blog lauding this deluge of disappointing filmmaking… prepare to strongly disagree!!)
Tags: bible, boring, emma watson, evan almighty, flood, jennifer connelly, magic eight ball, mic drop, Noah, passover, rap battle, rock monsters, Russell Crowe, s5, steve carell, the neverending story