TV: Hallmark Channel’s 12 New Xmas Movies

Posted by : | December 16, 2014

Thank you, oh Hallmark Channel, ultimate celebrator of Christmas. I super enjoyed reading the blurbs of the twelve original new movies you’ve created for the season. Their plots not only fully encapsulate every boy meets girl scenario, but I daresay they are a compendium, a master class in plots in general. I realize now that in all the world’s fiction, there have only been these 12 plots in various forms. So I couldn’t resist testing my inferior skills against your plot Bible. Is it a little heretical to even try? Hell yes. Here’s what I would have written for the Hallmark Channel:

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1. Theirs: One Starry Xmas: “An aspiring astronomy professor finds unexpected Christmas romance when she meets a charming cowboy during her holiday travel. As she decides between this new cowboy and her practical boyfriend, she must decide whether it’s better to play it safe in love, or let an adventurous cowboy steal her heart.”

Mine: An Out of This World Xmas: The woman who owns the company that makes NASA’s space suits falls for the astronaut she’s fitting. He’s been swearing he’ll leave his wife but hasn’t. So she outfits the suit with a secret kill switch that she can control from Earth. The big Christmas Day moonwalk arrives and it’s his choice: Make her the happiest woman in the galaxy, or be jettisoned into it.

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2. Theirs: The Nine Lives of Christmas: “With Christmas approaching, a handsome fireman (Brandon Routh) afraid of commitment adopts a stray cat and meets a beautiful veterinary student who challenges his decision to remain a confirmed bachelor.”

Mine: The Nine Wives of Christmas: With Christmas approaching, the un-handsome Sultan of Brunei, afraid of commitment to his many wives, adopts stray escorts from Los Angeles and ruins the life of a beautiful veterinary student who needs the money to pay off her loans. As he adulterates about the palace, he decides to make the season extra meaningful by proclaiming strict sharia law for everyone else.

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3. Theirs: A Cookie Cutter Christmas: “Two longtime rivals and elementary school teachers (my girl Erin Krakow!!) duke it out during the holidays in a Christmas cookie bake-off, but their real feud ignites over a shared interest in a handsome single dad. With both determined to win the prize and the romance, their competitiveness could jeopardize what matters most this Christmas season.”

Mine: Oh who am I kidding? As my sweet boyfriend used to say about me, you can’t improve on perfection.

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4. Theirs: Angels and Ornaments: “Corrine’s holiday season gets an unexpected dose of romance when she meets the mysterious Harold, who is on a deadline from a higher power to help Corrine find her true love by Christmas Eve. As the clock ticks down to Harold’s deadline, Corrine must decide if she will open up to Christmas love.”

Mine: Dangers from the Firmament: Esther’s holiday season gets an unexpected dose of romance when she meets the mysterious Harold on an online dating website. He’s cagey about his family and where he’s from. Esther suspects he’s a European aristocrat! Esther is very stupid. As the clock ticks down to Harold’s deadline to bag 12 babes before Christmas, Esther opens up all right, if ya know what I mean. Mission accomplished, Harold.

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5. Theirs: A Royal Christmas: “A young working girl with a blue-collar background is surprised when her new fiancé announces he is actually a prince of a small sovereign country in Europe. After the couple quickly takes off to spend the holidays at his family’s sprawling, royal castle, she must work hard to win over her disapproving and unaccepting future mother-in-law—the Queen—and find out if love truly can conquer all.”

Mine: A Soiled Christmas: A powerful princess in her private jet on her way to her magnificent Tahitian villa must emergency land in San Francisco. She fears all is lost until she meets the swarthy mechanic who says he can fix her problem. One thing leads to another and they make mad love on the plane’s cream-colored leather couch. As her improved plane taxis down the runway out of his heart, she wonders how she’ll explain the passion stains. Time for a new plane, she reckons.

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6. Theirs: The Christmas Shepherd: “A successful children’s book author and Army widow loses her late husband’s German Shepherd, Buddy, only to later find him adopted by a new family – a single father and his daughter. Each finds a sense of Christmas spirit as they struggle to decide with whom the dog really belongs.”

Mine: The Hanukkah Shepherd: A successful children’s book author and Army widow discovers that her late husband has adopted a potbelly pig. She’s Jewish and pigs aren’t kosher. Desperate to get rid of it, she tries to pawn it off on the single dad next door who’s always been in love with her. She suckers him into taking it, of course, but he suckers her into loving him. Let’s just say the Christmas ham was extra succulent this year.

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7. Theirs: Christmas Under Wraps: “When a driven doctor doesn’t get the prestigious position she planned for, she unexpectedly finds herself moving to a remote Alaskan town. While she meets the locals and even starts a new romance, she has to learn to let the life she planned for give way to a love she never could have imagined, and finds this festive small town is hiding one big holiday secret.”

Naughty Hallmark! That’s reverse Northern Exposure! What would Rob Morrow say? (See #12)

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8. Theirs: Christmas at Cartwright’s: “With Christmas approaching, a struggling single mom finds herself working as a department store Santa Claus, as a real-life angel (Wallace Shawn?!?) delivers good fortune and the possibility of holiday romance.”

Mine: Okay I love this one. A lady Santa Claus? Oh hellz yeah! I watched this one for y’all. At least a five minute #FilmBites!

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9. Theirs: Best Christmas Party Ever: “With the holidays approaching, a young party planner arranges a special Christmas party for a New York toy store. When a powerful corporation threatens to shut her down, she decides to follow her heart, moving forward with the party plans and finding true love in time for Christmas.”

Mine: Best Christmas Party Ever?: She wakes up on a bed of tinsel under a Christmas tree. There are empty bottles of Dom lying next to her, and also a gorgeous guy in a Santa hat. Across the room she spots, through the fog of false eyelashes coming unglued, her BFF passed out on the house’s gourmet kitchen countertop. The gorgeous guy stirs and whispers he loves her just before puking all over the tinsel between them. Wow it musta been the best Christmas party ever!

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10. Theirs: The Christmas Parade: “A popular network morning host finds herself humiliated on the air by her fiancé and disappears to a small town. While there, she helps a budding artist save a community art center for the town’s kids, by helping them with their float for the annual Christmas Parade.”

Mine: The Christmas Capsule: A popular network morning host is up in her attic looking for a vintage holiday outfit to wear on air. Inside a dusty old trunk, she finds a treasure map with an X marks the spot at Town Hall! She rushes to work, tells her boss to eff off, and starts maniacally digging in the city center. Her shovel hits something; it’s a time capsule filled with the hopes and dreams of children from the 1950s. Is she unemployed? Yes. But she’s found the one thing to bring the town together. Oh, and probably the mayor falls in love with her or something.

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11. Theirs: Northpole: Northpole, the magical city where Santa and his elves live and work is in trouble (Tiffani Thiessen, Robert Wagner!!). Families around the globe have gotten too busy to enjoy the season together, and Northpole depends on their holiday happiness to keep running. In the hopes of turning things around, a determined young elf befriends a little boy with a lot of spirit. His skeptical journalist mom doesn’t have room in her heart for anything but the facts, so it’s going to take a little nudge from his charming teacher to create an unbeatable Christmas team to turn around this town and share the importance of the season with the whole world.

Mine: North San Antonio: The magical home of the Alamo and greatest basketball team in the whole wide world, where it’s eighty degrees all year round, is never in trouble! It don’t take kindly to trouble. But Robert Wagner’s more than welcome to visit. I’d love to do like a whole Hart to Hart thing. FYI my name’s Stephanie too, like Ms. Powers…

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12. Debbie Macomber’s Christmas Miracle: “Heavenly angel Harry Mills (Northern Exposure‘s Rob Morrow! See #7! PS Jewish!) is sent to Earth on a trial assignment to intervene in the life of a woman who needs help getting her life on track after the death of her father. With a deadline of Christmas day, he attempts to help her heal in order to embrace a new future, and an unexpected love, just in time to celebrate the miracle of the holiday season.”

Mine: Harry Comb-Over’s Christmas Miracle: Poor Harry just can’t get the ladies. A heavenly barber enrolled at Vidal Sassoon’s Hair Academy on Earth (as you know, angels are mad for updos) hears his plaintive prayers. As Christmas Day grows near, Harry’s hair doesn’t. The angel proclaims that Harry’s path must be a bald one. Soon-to-be-hairless Harry is hesitant to embrace this truth, assuming the world had been fooled by the side hairs he’s been shoving across his empty dome. But with a mighty hand, the angel shaves him. And Harry lives happily hair-ver after.

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  1. Patrick
    Posted December 17, 2014 at 11:51 am | Permalink

    It’s time to start writing for TV guide. Better yet, it’s time to start writing some of those blurbs into actual Hallmark moves!

    • Stephanie
      Posted December 18, 2014 at 10:13 am | Permalink

      haha thanks! so which one of the 12 are you gonna watch? cuz they made TWELVE sheesh!

      • Patrick
        Posted December 19, 2014 at 10:47 am | Permalink

        Astronaut one. But only if it’s your plot. I can tie that into High Moon maybe?

  2. Stephanie
    Posted December 16, 2014 at 2:40 pm | Permalink

    omg that’s who that is??? Double Northern Exposure in this post! omg omg… he was a hot FBI agent too for a while… I didn’t even recognize him LL!

  3. Lisa
    Posted December 16, 2014 at 2:05 pm | Permalink

    Oh no!!! Rob Morrow, a very decent actor who starred in Northern Exposure and Quiz Show just to name a few, is now playing a chubby Hallmark movie #12 angel with hair challenges? That is truly tragic.

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