When Y’all Calls Y’all’s Hearts

Posted by : | April 30, 2014

WCTH-Love-Comes-First-Gallery-8_nCome and listen to a story ’bout a man named Pat.Who’s born in Minnesota and there’s nothin’ wrong with that. Til he starts a’ jibberjabbin’ ’bout my favorite show. Lord he wouldn’t know a Western from a marshmallow!

I’m just about fixin’ to have a high noon shootout with that prickly ol’ Porcupine. That rascally varmit’s gonna tell you all his Yankee nonsense about which TV Western he likes the most. But dadgummit, I’m from south Texas and that makes me the expert. His flannel mouthed opinion’s slicker than a slop jar.  He’s gonna be over there a’blisterin’ and a’bellyachin’ about some show or other, but as my pappy would say: Big hat; no cattle.

Deadwood? Sure. It’s done got itself a Jewish fella. I like that. And my pappy likes to kick back after a long day in the hot Alamo sun and watch 1957’s Maverick. And we all know that Justified’s Timothy Olyphant’s one of the tallest drinks of water out there.timothy-olyphant-justified-fx

But if you like your women Scarlett and your men so hot you’d rather watch ’em than eat biscuits, well there’s no better Western out there than When Calls the Heart on Hallmark Channel.

It’s the fetchin’ story of hearty souls in a coal mining town somewheres out west. It’s what I’m gonna call a Corset Western: lots of folks’ hearts gettin’ more tangled up than a bag o’ rattlers (that’s rattlesnakes for all you city slickers), but it’s also got outlaws and pistols.

WCTH-Final-Adieu-Gallery-2_nThe show’s prailine-sweet core is the tale of amour between Miss Elizabeth Thatcher and Mountie Jack. Now she’s a big city heiress who done come to this dusty little podunk town to teach in the saloon/schoolhouse, and she’s prettier than a picture. I missed the first few episodes so I’ve got rightly no idea why she’s there. And her beau is a Canadian Mountie who’s got more guts than you could hang on a fence, and his fire-ant red uniform is handsomer than an oil baron with two gushers. I’d like to scare me up one.

Why there’s a Canadian-type sheriff in this town, and where in North America this town is, well, I don’t know a widget from a whangdoodle. What I do know is I’d like to Mountie that Jack myself. Giddyyup!! (Well shoot my foot and cook me pie: I just double checked his name for you online and found out the actor’s Australian.)

melroseBut hold yer dern horses! Lemme tell you a little ditty about a suspicious mine collapse and an investigation led by a man who’s got plenty of notches on his headshot: Jack Wagner! He’s the spittin’ image of his Melrose Place self 20 years ago, and if that ain’t a fact, the Lord’s a possum. He’s out to rescue entrepreneurial, cafe-owning filly Abigail (Lori Loughlin), from the villainous mine owner who’s about to hang the crime on her deceased husband. Oh no, that dog won’t hunt!

So do your peepers a favor and tune into the Hallmark Channel, yeah I said Hallmark Channel, for the best Western this side of the Mississippi. You’ll tip your ten gallon to me.

WCTH-Final-Adieu-Gallery-1_nGo on now, get, go read that Yankee’s blog who thinks he’s smarter than a hooty owl!

 

 

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  1. Patrick
    Posted May 1, 2014 at 3:13 pm | Permalink

    A mountie? Really? It defeats the whole purpose of the only American genre! My god… But I do like the term “Corset Western”. I’m going to steal that, and there’s nothing that Canadian can do to stop me!

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