You Can’t Force 50 Shades of Grey on Me

Posted by : | February 24, 2015

No one wants to go see it with me! I thought it would be like the Sex and the City movie, gaggles of girls deploying soon to a movie theater near you. But I got no takers. Which I feel kinda bad about because I strongly urged gentle Porcupine to go see it, with his wholesome Midwestern values, and he did! Here’s his review!

I was open to seeing 50 Shades of Grey, but I’d heard from poor Porcupine as well as many others that it just wasn’t that good. It didn’t sizzle, the writing was awful, the acting forced, the chemistry between the two sex maniacs terrible. And no one was surprised because it was based on an apparently appallingly-written book given life by Twilight fan fiction.

Tampopo teaches us how hot ramen can be!

Tampopo teaches us how hot ramen can really be!

Yeesh. Whatever happened to sublime erotica? Where’s the Fear of Flying of the 21st century? The French novel, The Story of O? (The French are experts– they find 50 Shades so tame that it’s approved for audiences 12 and over!!) Or Anne Rice’s wicked Sleeping Beauty bondage tales (you’ll never guess how the prince really wakes her up)? If we’re talking film, you can enjoy edible erotica and never look at shrimp the same way again after Tampopo.

You win.

You win.

And it doesn’t get any better than 9 ½ Weeks with the palpable, mandatorily masturbatory chemistry between Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger. He was fifty times the Dorian Gray that this new guy is, just irresistible sensuality all foul and feline, and she was the perfection of ingénue gone bad. Delicious. Dirty. Deplorable. Delightful. Oh I’m sorry Christian Grey. Apologies, Wilde man.

I’ve heard people call 50 Shades like suburban housewife erotica. But we women have sophisticated taste. If you’re like me, you like your porn the way you don’t like your men: Soft. With a bit of a story, a hint of seduction. I’m not a Ferrari in terms of my own zero to sixty. I’ve also heard that the supposedly adventurous S&M sex in the story isn’t all that daring. Well what’s the point?


This one time I took a bondage class at San Francisco’s lovely, well lit, female-centric adult toy retailer and co-op, Good Vibrations. It was with a famed Japanese Shibari practicing dominatrix (sadly not the queen of them all, Midori). And I brought the guy I was dating at the time, a former Navy officer. I assumed he’d be very good at tying knots. The Shibarist let us borrow some of her favorite stock, a wide coil of Romanian hemp. She and her partner showed us the ropes haha and then me and my date set out on our sexual odyssey. I calmly stretched my arms behind my back as he wove and twisted the rope. It felt rough on my bare skin. I was wearing a tank top. The demonstration was over pretty quick and the black vinyl clad mistress stomped around the room inspecting all the couples, who ranged from straight yuppie to gay yuppie to tattooed. Everyone seemed to be finished. But my guy was still doing something back there. I felt the ropes go slack. This was not particularly titillating.

Screen Shot 2015-02-24 at 10.23.49 PM

The mistress was very displeased when she got to us. “What are you doing?” She hissed at him. Suddenly my body was wrenched backwards as the ropes tightened. A lot. They whipped across my chest and right under my armpits. My forearms were stacked behind my back and the ropes soon slithered around and around and around my wrists. She yanked them again, and my posture improved to finishing school levels. My chest popped out and my back arched. I was powerless in all the right places. Now we’re getting somewhere, I thought.

“You see how it’s done?” She demanded.

My date said that he was having trouble with tying.

I said, “Weren’t you in the Navy?”

The mistress’s eyebrows shot up. “These are your basic nautical knots!”

He shuffled his feet and said that he hadn’t exactly been in the Navy per se.

And that, my friends, is why you take a man who tells you he’s been in the Navy immediately to a ropes bondage class. Otherwise you’ll never know whether that salute in his pants is civilian or military issue…

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  1. Patrick
    Posted February 27, 2015 at 11:19 am | Permalink

    Well, I GUESS your own bondage flub is a decent substitute for me having to see this movie. Mad Max can’t get here soon enough.

    • Stephanie
      Posted March 1, 2015 at 12:55 pm | Permalink

      yes bondage fail is always a good excuse — yeah i can’t wait for your movies either — you actually chose good ones. though i promise you that Jem will be truly outrageous…

  2. Lisa
    Posted February 27, 2015 at 7:05 am | Permalink

    That is a great story, and I’m guessing a lot more entertaining turn that stupid movie

    • Stephanie
      Posted March 1, 2015 at 12:53 pm | Permalink

      haha thanks well I have another story about a Marine and hot candle wax…

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